Oh These Bi*tches...

It was a slow and gloomy June day.   While my fellow servers and I were waiting for our first table, we were having fun in the side station laughing and joking about the ridiculous shenanigans we had gotten ourselves into on our days off.  Standard shoptalk. 

Then suddenly things took a turn with my first table of the day.

Two ladies sat themselves in my section (cue eyes rolling).  Immediately they busted out their laptops on the table while pushing the place settings aside.  The charming host walked to them and handed them menus.  I gave them a couple minutes to get settled then I walked over. 

“Good afternoon ladies!”  I greeted them with a big smile, happy to have my first table of the day (trying to sweep aside the fact they sat themselves).   I asked them if they wanted to have something to drink besides water to get started and one replied, “Just water,” and the other, “I’ll take water and coffee.”  As they clearly weren’t looking at the menus, I asked, “Are you ladies eating lunch?”  The one who ordered coffee snapped, “No.  Just coffee.  Thanks.”  Seriously?  I took their menus and walked away.   I wanted to say, “There is a coffee shop one hundred feet away ladies.  Restaurants are for eating food.”  But I didn’t.

I served her the coffee then left them alone.  About twenty minutes later as I was walking by their table one of the ladies waved me over.  I walked over thinking they wanted their $4.25 check.  The coffee drinker said, “Umm… we decided to eat.”  They both giggled.  Real funny ladies.  “Okay, great!”  I said enthusiastically.  I got them menus and told them the special along with the menu highlights, the usual.  They said they needed more time to think about it.

After a few minutes went by, I headed back over to take their order.  Both of them wanted to make up their own menu items.  Of course they did.    One lady changed a salad around and the other made up her own specialty sushi roll.  Not that big of a deal… until the kicker.  “Oh Miss?!  And can you tell the chef to rush it.  We’re in a hurry.” 

Oh these bitches.  Yeah.  I’ll put a rush right on that. 

They sat themselves.  Only order one coffee.  Twenty minutes later they decide to order food.  Then they want to make up their own items.  And now all of a sudden they’re in a hurry?!  They couldn’t have figured that out when they first sat down?  The nerve of these ladies.  Zero respect. 

Ten minutes flew by and I checked on their food.  It was almost ready.  I went over to update them.  Before I could even get a word out about the food status, the woman bolted, “We’re gonna need that boxed up.  We have to get outta here.” 

Oh these rude ladies!  

I hurried back to the line and told the kitchen, “Hey it’s now or we have to box it.”  Chef Felipe looked at me annoyed.   “It’s only been ten minutes.”  I explained to him the absurdity of these ladies requests, shaking my head in disbelief.   They plated the food and the runner ran it out immediately.  I decided to serve it just to prove a point.  I then brought boxes, bags, set ups and sauces to go.    They, of course, ate a little and then boxed the rest, all the while looking annoyed with me.

Grrr... these ladies. 

I dropped the check.  She asked for a pen to fill out the room charge.  I saw her look at the tip calculator.   I smiled and then told them thank you and to have a great rest of their day.  I am a professional after all.    She left me $5 on $36 (between a 15% and 18% tip).  Keep in mind $1 goes to my busser and $1 goes to the food runner.  After all of that?  Thanks for the three bucks. 

These women are truly testing me today!

Bottom line, if you want to talk business and have coffee - and perhaps get a quick bite – don’t go to a fine dining restaurant.  Of course people have the right to change their minds (at first they didn’t want to eat, then they did).  But make sure you have enough time to do so.  It’s disrespectful to the entire restaurant staff to expect lightening speed food service.  You’re just going to make the staff angry and stressed out, as well as stress yourself out.  And as always, communication is imperative.  If she had told me they only had 10 minutes before they had to leave, I would have politely told them not to order anything and reminded them where the nearest coffee shop was. 

I don’t like using the word “rude,” when it comes to anyone, but come on.  If you’re going to be absurdly demanding and give me attitude while I’m trying to accommodate your ridiculous needs, you deserve it.  

Hopefully I will have the opportunity to serve the better slice of humanity on my next shift.  ~ HK ~

Best Quote Ever! (…well, for a server anyway)

I couldn’t tell you about any other table I had that day.  But I can tell you one thing: The words of this memorable woman will forever be burned into my brain.

When I heard what she said, not only did my jaw drop, I wanted to give her a kiss, clap loudly and yell out to the entire restaurant.  “Ding! Ding! Ding!  We have a winner folks!  The best diner-of-the-year award goes to this woman!”    

Okay I might be exaggerating slightly.   However, at the very least I wanted to give that woman a solid pat on the back.  I think my actual words were, “Oh my god, I love you,” under my breath. 

Her table started with two people, then it grew to four, then five and then to six.  My server assistant and I eventually had to add an extra table and place settings, etc... the whole nine yards.  They were ordering their appetizers and food at different times; some were drinking heavily and others not at all.  It was a very unorganized group, the kind that usually gets under our skin.  And it would have if it weren’t for my new favorite lady of the hour.

When it was time to print the check, I rolled my eyes and thought to myself, “This is definitely going to be a ridiculously annoying separate check situation.”  Right when I dropped the check, the frantic ladies began to reach for their wallets.  Dear god…here it comes…

But then, like the sound of angel playing the harp at the end of a rainbow, the quote that will never be forgotten played like music to my ears, “I got this,” she said.   “Ladies, please put your purses away.  My husband and I have stopped hanging out with couples because of separate checks.  Please.  Here you go miss,” and handed me her credit card. 

Say what?!?  Un-friended friends over separate checks?!?  Is this lady for real?  I really do love this woman.

Granted the day wasn’t even that busy.  Nor would it have really mattered that much if I had to split the check six ways.  Splitting checks is annoying and time consuming, but absolutely a part of our crazy industry.   It was just the way she said it; so bold and not taking “No” for an answer.  And the fact that she had apparently parted ways with some friends over it was hilarious!  And admitting it was quite impressive (from a servers point of view of course).  Those friends she’d parted ways with, however, might have a different opinion.

I’ve written many posts that were much more profound than this one, I’ll admit.  But lately there haven’t been a lot of noteworthy people to write about.  And as I started to write this post, I realized this lady stood out much more than any of the other negative people I could have written about. 

And I wanted to stay as positive as I could. 

In addition, being that Serving Humanity started out as an informative medium about the service industry, it’s in my best interest to share how much we appreciate one check tables for large parties. 

We practically do want to give an award for people who step up and pay the check for everyone.  Splitting checks really is that much of a pain.  

But if you knew you could be that memorable and make someone’s day, wouldn’t you do the same? 

And for all of you out there who do what this woman did, we thank you from the bottom of our little serving hearts.  

~ HK ~