PITA Peeps

"I don’t mean to be a pain in the ass, but…"

I love/hate when people immediately tell me that right when I greet their table because it could really go either way.   They either won’t be a pain in the ass at all (and are therefore simply exaggerating… which happens a lot) or they most certainly will be a huge pain in the ass to which at this point I need to mentally prepare for what’s to come.   Either way, I am truly intrigued as to what they’re going to say next.

There was a mortgage broker conference in town.  And aside from mister self-proclaimed “pain in the ass,” it was by far one of the best groups to have at the hotel.  They ordered straight off the menu (very few substitutions), drank a bit, were low maintenance, literally zero separate checks and tipped a solid 20% or more.   We love these kinds of groups.

But this guy stood out.  While everyone else was ordering directly off the menu (mind you this was a very busy business luncheon, where people don’t want to look high maintenance in general), this gem demanded attention.   “Uhhh… I don’t mean to be a pain in the ass but, is it possible to get this sandwich, but on top of a salad?  Like with no bread, on top of romaine lettuce with Caesar dressing."  I reply, “I can put the sandwich ingredients on top of our Cesar salad, which comes with grilled romaine, bacon and croutons.  How does that sound?”  Of course he didn’t like that option either.   “I definitely don’t want it grilled… and I definitely don’t want bacon.  And I want the dressing on the side.”  Ok.  Not soooo bad. 

He ordered first.  Of course.  All of the other guests at his table ordered straight off the menu with no changes.  “Fish and Chips… Cobb Salad… Chicken Salad… Fish and Chips. “  And they were all extremely polite about it, as if they were talking to me in an underlining code as if to say, "We’re going to make this as easy as possible because that guy is making your life way too difficult.”  As I walked away, PITA (pain in the ass) man shouts, “Oh, excuse me, Miss?  I also need something else.”  He pulls out his wallet and unfolds a piece of paper.  “I want a Bloody Mary.   But with these ingredients only.”  He hands me a piece of paper that read as follows:

Vodka

Tomato Juice

Lea & Perrins

A1 Steak Sauce

Tabasco

Salt

Pepper

3 blue cheese stuffed olives

Seriously?  Is this guy for real?  I’ve had guests look up ingredients on their phones for a drink I’ve never heard of.  That’s acceptable.  But this?  A simple Bloody Mary with these specifics?  And actually handing me a folded piece of paper out of his wallet?  And at a business meeting nonetheless.  Absurd.  What was this guy thinking?  I have to think everyone’s opinion of him at this table went skyrocketing down - even more - after this moment.  Like ordering his complicated entree wasn’t bad enough, but then to order a cocktail in a similar demanding way as well?   I told him matter-of-fact, “Our Bloody Mary’s are spicy. We use all of these ingredients, except for the Worcestershire and A1.  I will bring you those on the side.”   I didn’t give him another option and that seemed to be good enough.  

Although I was irritated with PITA man, I left the table with a grin.  This is why I love/hate this type of person.  And this is why I love serving humanity.    They usually are very demanding but provide great stories for me to tell, and this guy didn’t let me down. 

I have to believe … if you tell a random stranger (your server) you’re a “pain in the ass,” I bet you’re a real walk in the park in the rest of your life.   

If you’re on a first date at a restaurant and you’re date orders in this fashion… run. 

Run far, far away.  ~ HK ~